02-12-2012, 07:37 PM
Tectak,
Sorry, my mistake, sometimes my dyslexia gets the best of me. I think my intent was less like marching, and more like drunken clamor, with bits of the martial thrown in as a way to rouse the troops. So, I think you read correctly that one catches the hint of marching fading in and out. Have you ever heard the Sousa (I think it is) march, where two bands are drawing closer together and farther apart? You hear the sound of one stronger, then the other. I guess it would kind of be like that. However, after you mentioned it, I did look back over it and see some spots that do need tidying up. Such as:
"For it is God we are fighting for!” should be “For it is God we're fighting for!”
because it is the lines of straight iambic tetrameter, that give you that marching feeling.
Also, I think part of the confusion is there is no way to tell who is talking in the non-italicized parts. This is problematic because the first two parts:
Eat, drink and be marry...
and “For it is God we are fighting for!”
are both said by the soldiers.
And also: “God Save the King, To the King’s good health!”
Everything else is said by the king. Everything in italics is the king talking to himself.
Of course that I plop the reader down in the middle of things certainly doesn't help.
Thanks for the follow up.
Dale
Billy wrote "sometimes the wysiwyg poems are the best"
I agree, sometimes we try a little to hard to be clever, or worse, profound
Dale
Sorry, my mistake, sometimes my dyslexia gets the best of me. I think my intent was less like marching, and more like drunken clamor, with bits of the martial thrown in as a way to rouse the troops. So, I think you read correctly that one catches the hint of marching fading in and out. Have you ever heard the Sousa (I think it is) march, where two bands are drawing closer together and farther apart? You hear the sound of one stronger, then the other. I guess it would kind of be like that. However, after you mentioned it, I did look back over it and see some spots that do need tidying up. Such as:
"For it is God we are fighting for!” should be “For it is God we're fighting for!”
because it is the lines of straight iambic tetrameter, that give you that marching feeling.
Also, I think part of the confusion is there is no way to tell who is talking in the non-italicized parts. This is problematic because the first two parts:
Eat, drink and be marry...
and “For it is God we are fighting for!”
are both said by the soldiers.
And also: “God Save the King, To the King’s good health!”
Everything else is said by the king. Everything in italics is the king talking to himself.
Of course that I plop the reader down in the middle of things certainly doesn't help.
Thanks for the follow up.
Dale
Billy wrote "sometimes the wysiwyg poems are the best"
I agree, sometimes we try a little to hard to be clever, or worse, profound
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.