Sorrow for the Stars

[Philatone]

hello, Vika! just some quick ideas to ponder

As a little child...I know you want to emphasize the distance between your past and how you are now, but I don't think you need the first line. just by using the past, I think you have enough. this same point goes for the "I used to tell" a couple stanzas down--it could just be "I told"
I loved to stare up at the moon
Imagining what it would be like
To sit and watch the blue planet
Rise on the horizon ...nice image; think the 3 lines above could be a little more concise


I wished for nothing more at that time
Then to be up in the sky
Ride upon a shooting star
That would take me to a magical land
Created just for me


I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
As I walked down the beaten road
On those nights when I had nowhere
Else to walk


Orion was my hero
He helped me through the nights...I think you could delete this line; the next one is very strong and conveys the same idea
Sheilded me with his six stars
I felt safer when he was in my skylight
Knowing pain would only be distant...I think you could delete this line too; again, the previous one is strong--kind of paints him as a nightlight; it is very personal and touching


Now, I just wish they would go away


My love for them is not lost
It will always be there
But some love causes great sorrow
A stab deeper than words ...if desired, this stanza could be trimmed completely. it is all description with little to no showing, which can make it harder for the reader to connect to


Now everytime I look to the heavens
Spot Orion defending in the skyies
Or see the luminescent moon
I can't help but cry
Finding it hard to breath


A sharp pain goes through my chest
As if a screw is being twisted in
Deeper and deeper it imbeds itself
Until it is so far in
That it cannot be removed


I don't want the light of the moon
To be my guide any longer
I wish night would drape over me
Like black silk over
A gypsy's shew stone


The comfort I once found
In the expansive twilight
Has been replaced by a feeling
Worse than being held under water
Or being burned by fire


Now, I just wish they would go away


Because they remind me of you ...wasn't completely sure who "they" is- Orion and his stars?
Of how you will never be next to me
To hold my hand in yours
And admire their beauty
Together.

many elements of this I liked, but I think some scissors could really be your best friend here. hope this is helpful