02-05-2012, 05:17 PM
I think the first half of this reads very well, but at these lines
"breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;"
the wheels start to come off compared with the clear narrative up to this point. Basically it seems you pushed that one sentence far beyond its capacity as it becomes difficult to ascertain who is doing what. I'm also not quite sure what the last sentence connects with the rest of the sentence. Maybe if you included a bit of a reminder with
"Let us begin this story
with the breath before..."
although I'm am unsure if your parallel examples that follow are consistent with each other, or make complete sense in what it appears the speaker is trying to accomplish.
Dale
"breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;"
the wheels start to come off compared with the clear narrative up to this point. Basically it seems you pushed that one sentence far beyond its capacity as it becomes difficult to ascertain who is doing what. I'm also not quite sure what the last sentence connects with the rest of the sentence. Maybe if you included a bit of a reminder with
"Let us begin this story
with the breath before..."
although I'm am unsure if your parallel examples that follow are consistent with each other, or make complete sense in what it appears the speaker is trying to accomplish.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.