01-25-2012, 12:49 PM
I think your lineation works well here. However the tone comes across as somewhat selfish and demanding and so it is difficult to feel much sympathy for the speaker, which makes it difficult to emotionally connect to the poem. As is the problem with most love poetry, the vocabulary is so overused already, it is difficult to not wander into the cliche.
Dale
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.