Enûma Eliš

[Philatone]

hey erthona, please take from my thoughts what you will. I haven't read Leanne's thoughts yet, so at the risk of repeating what was said...:

When high heaven yet was named,
and the waters weren't yet tamed,
then from chaos all was claimed,..structurally, with the "when" of the first line, I'm not sure you need the "then from" in this line
and molded to their great design.
Imposing order from on high,
though truth was always there,
arrogant power their reply,[/b]
in truth, they did not care.
“To act is sin, to sin to die.”

..enjoyed the alternate appearances of the words, like "yet" and "truth"
-----------------------------------------
Insanity sleeps next to my feet,
as my hands seek to avoid the humidity
caused by my tears seeping through these pages,
molding words into blackened obscurities; ...like the use of "molding" here, particularly with "words"
stealing away the only distraction in this ..I think this line and the next can get even more emphasis if they were their own sentence and by directly giving "stealing" a subject (like they). Otherwise, I felt that they could get slightly overpowered by the rhythm/ -ing's
my unjust and shameful exile.
Such is the price I pay for aiding fools ...I almost wanted something stronger than "fools" when seen in the context of the rest of your word choice in this stanza. speaking of which, your word choice for the most part is really consistent and appropriate I feel
who in their ignorance see help as bane;
seeing what I gave freely as a treasure to be stolen,
and my only reward for giving away my heart
is their nescient contempt, hidden behind a smile.

Depression, Dread, my old friends have come to call on me again, ...played with making a new line after "Dread," as well as removing the "come to" changing it to something "...have called on me again"
as though they had been away, on some midsummer’s holiday. ..hmmm...I understand the intention, but I couldn't help but wonder if it were crucial
Actors they are. Pretending they are not,
just as surely as I, locked
in this cell of the ever enduring unendurable....pretty dramatic
Although not alive, they seem more so than the faces of the past, ...I think this could be phrased more eloquently/ concisely
forced through obligation to visit, so they will not appear
to themselves, as evil; or worse yet, unkind. ...not sure if you need the "to themselves";I think it's already clear with the "they will not appear"
So as sacrifice to the altar of Sicyon do they come, benumbed.
Did I ever know them? It is hard to imagine;
we have so little in common.
I often wonder this, as a pale face floats in front of me,
murderous dark red lips flapping, as though air moving in slow
motion as it leaves the thick overlapped rubber exit of a balloon.
I would as soon not watch these grotesques expunge their senselessness,
but I find myself overly fascinated by their inane hollowness,
and in my loneliness I cannot force myself to turn away;
it has always been my greatest failing, so they say....who?

I am Prometheus and they are my eagles, my crows.
I watch their liver- coated viper’s tongues dart
in and out of their mouths; an adder tasting air. ...enjoyed this opening. do you need the period after "air"?
Testing to see which way the wind blows.
Come on then you belly crawlers,
would you sink your stainless swords into me,
so that you might bloody them like an unworthy knight
taking a virgin kneeling at prayers from behind,
that he might on the morrow claim his spurs?

What delusion! Do you think you can take what I choose not to give?
I gave you my heart, the fire that burned in my breast,
a pearl beyond price, a gift beyond all sacrifice.
Was that abscission not sufficient to calm your greed,
did it not for even a minute satisfy your orectic need?
Ah, I see. You have not the will or the courage to use it.
Did you not realize in your avarice that a fire must feed?...just want to make the sure the "that" is where you want it, as opposed to after "realize"
Yes, I see the fear in your eyes, you will not risk
feeding it what it craves, for fear of its reprise: a sacrifice
of your prejudices, your fearful misconceptions, your self-deceit,
your taboos, tightly held dogma, your false remembered heroic feats?
You fear it will pull down the defenses that keep
you from seeing things as they are,
and not as you would have them be.
You fear a Pandora’s box of incomprehensible truth;
beyond deception, beyond your control,
and outside of all your preconceptions....not sure if you need this line and the previous; I think you captured it already in the 3-4 lines before it
If that is what you fear, then you fear true!

Did you think the power of a god came without price?..another good opening I think
Have you not heard the old adage,
“with knowledge comes responsibility”.
Did you think it a choice?
When this fire burns, it consumes the dark deceit ...the "fire" again?
so that it might illumine"illuminate"? just checking the multicolored truth
that sparkles ‘round and through all that is,
all that has been or ever will be, me and you,
with all robes of delusion striped ..."stripped" away,
falsehood forever held at bay.
Color is the Lord Shiva of perception,
he is the destroyer of the black and white reality;
truth destroys the simplistic and the easy,
and it does so with an overawing finality.
Truth will freeze your soul into immobility...not sure if "into immobility is needed. If you want to emphasize it, changing "freeze" could give you more of a contrast of images and add some spice
for it makes clear, all actions have unintended,
unexpected and far-ranging consequence.
So if you would act, you cannot seek refuge in ignorance,
you will not be held blameless ever again,
for in everything, to act is sin!

"For him who need never atone,
let him then cast, the first stone."

Sad, sad, I pity you, for you are truly pitiful.
Seeing the world from such narrow minds.
Here then, give me back my wild little pet,
give me back my beloved, my life, my honor.
Here in my heart she will feed and be content.
Now go away my picayune friends,
you are not yet ready for such wonderment,
or such a burden as this gift portends.
For the moment, the only light you will know
will be the monochrome of reflected light,
ghosting over the landscape of darkness,
this, the only light to guide your sight.
For the moon reflects the distant sun,
but is the sun no more than this, ...like the sentiment
that you and the truth are one.
For you who see only in black and white,
cannot comprehend the limits of your sight.
Go on then, my poor scared children,
scurry now, back into your own dark night!

"Old gods know not death, they merely go to sleep,
underneath the ocean, down to the deepest deep.
Be careful then, when in sin, a great noise you make,
you never know just what you do, or who you might awake!"





©Erthona

not sure how useful all of this will be. I found some lines a bit more dramatic and drawn-out then necessary, but perhaps it was done to truly imitate how the speaker would express himself.