Enûma Eliš

[Erthona]

Thanks Leanne, you are the first person to give me any concrete suggestions, and I have posted this at least three places. I agree with all but one of your suggestions, and only that provisionally. I had meant to us Pandora's box to signify that once started you can't go back. That is, once one learns the truth of something, there is no going back to ignorance. I do see a problem here with implying that this will happen all at once, instead of it being a process over time. Usually I use obscure words only because I think they catch the complete idea of what I am trying to say, or it fits with the period.

I used "orectic" as it has the connotation of grasping, which is something more beyond the idea that desirous conveys. At the time it was the easy way out. I probably need to go back and find a way to say that without it. That is really the only word that sticks out to me as being obscure. Were there others?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"caused by my tears seeping through these pages,
molding words into blackened obscurities;
stealing away the only distraction in this
my unjust and shameful exile."

Suffers from lack clarity. The idea was that his tears cause the ink on the page to run, so he can no longer read what is written. Writing and reading back over what he has written was his distraction. "Molding" is a double entendre, used as in changing their form, and as "fungi", as mold turns things black.
So it is what the tears do that steals away the distraction.
There is also the implication that tears remove the barrier to the truth, and that distraction hides the truth. This foreshadows this idea which comes front ans center later.

On the intro: Yes primarily. I am translating Apsû as God, and Tiamat as "the earth". In lines 3-5 it transitions to the age of the gods. I am trying to draw a parallel between the creation of the world and the creation of man. There is also the implication that the primary gods of Sumeria were the originals from which all of the other mythologies took their ideal. In this case, especially the Greeks. Although not directly addressed, I think there is a parallel between Enki and Prometheus.

As regards the paragraph that needs pruning: Yes, I let the speaker get a little preachy. I let him bring in "Shiva" to demonstrate that the gods were ubiquitous and only the names have changed, but it may be a bit over the top. So...

"When this fire burns, it consumes dark deceit,
that it might illumine the multicolored truth
that sparkles around and through all.
It destroys the black and white reality==
the simplistic and the easy--
and it does so with an overawing finality.
It will freeze your soul into immobility
for it makes clear all actions have
unintended and unexpected consequences.
If you would act, you would no longer
be able to seek refuge in ignorance:
you will never again be held blameless.
To act is to sin!"

It is a bit cleaner now I think. Although now it seems a bit too didactic. Since it takes away his anger, it takes away the effect of him softening his mood in the next stanza. I'll work on it.

Thanks again for the work you put in on this. Generally I have been glad if someone will just read it all the way through, as it seems to be a larger burden than I had originally thought it was. Once I clear up some of these parts that need work, it will hopefully become easier to read. At least I will know it it is the content or the writing.

One last thing. I was ambivalent about the last section, the one in italics. I thought it might be too cutesy, and not seem completely in keeping with the rest of the poem. If you have a thought on this feel free.

Thanks again,

Dale