02-19-2010, 06:22 AM
As I'm a novice, I feel weird criticizing you. 
I'll do my best....;P
As of right now, I only see a few lines I dislike
"grassy vapours" and
"I avalanche grass-ward"
Now, this is just my preference, but I don't like it when words
Are repeated so close together in a poem. Just disrupts the entire thing for me.
"Sprinklers erupt with glee"
Meh. "with glee" just doesn't do it for me.
"Rainbows form and die
as misty droplets
prance and fall."
Feels a bit awkward... Can't put my finger on why....
I'll come back to this a bit later, but all in all
Great poem! I had difficulty finding fault in it.
I'll do my best....;P
As of right now, I only see a few lines I dislike
"grassy vapours" and
"I avalanche grass-ward"
Now, this is just my preference, but I don't like it when words
Are repeated so close together in a poem. Just disrupts the entire thing for me.
"Sprinklers erupt with glee"
Meh. "with glee" just doesn't do it for me.
"Rainbows form and die
as misty droplets
prance and fall."
Feels a bit awkward... Can't put my finger on why....
I'll come back to this a bit later, but all in all
Great poem! I had difficulty finding fault in it.
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard