12-28-2011, 09:01 AM
"to me - the short line seems to indicate something happening abruptly... or am I being fanciful? and the 'unexpectedly' from a few lines above seems to show it is 'all of a sudden'"
Yeah, "all of a sudden" is mainly just line filler (kind of like "to me" at the beginning of the above quote
so I don't have to deal with the short line in the middle. But as you said, the short line could represent the "all of a sudden" as well as a number of other possibilities, such as death.
"I'm pondering on whether 'feeble eye dims' would work better than 'feeble eyes dim' giving an extra dimension, since this speaks of a mental eye as well as a physical one....but, I suspect I am being particularly picky for no good reason!"
I think that introduces an unnecessary level of complexity that has not been properly set up. Asking the reader to get that this is one's mental eye without obviously implying that before hand is a bit much to ask. I think it would probably cause the reader to have to stop and wonder why I switched to a single eye and is it a typo as there is nothing here to support it being other than that. Additionally, I think it does not really do much for the poem, since I am in fact talking about my physical eyes growing dim, as most eyes do with age (of course it is also winter time, and there is less light, but as I am a visual artist, I am more sensitive to that sort of thing). Even now I need more light to see better than I use to. and my farsightedness has continued in decline as I have aged. Pretty soon I will be beyond the help of Drug store reading glasses as I am already at .325+ which is as high as they go. So as far as the eyes go, it is somewhat autobiographical . In terms of mental awareness I have to fact check a lot of what I write in terms of connotative usages. Of course it may be it is just so easy to check that sort of thing that I am only nipping in the bud what would eventually be a case of poor usage...or not
"'becoming aware - even as awareness fades -' is a very chilling phrase."
Yeah, I kind of like that myself when it made its appearance. It is somewhat paradoxical and along the
same lines as "with power comes responsibility", so that you remain just as powerless as you were, but being restricted now by responsibility instead of lack of power. I remember quite clearly thinking when I was in the third grade, that when I grew up I was going to be a teacher and let the kids drink cokes every day. Of course, who was going to pay for them never came into the equation. Really, I don't know why I complained, I liked chocolate milk just as well.
Anyway, thanks for the critique and suggestions. I have taken out "all of a sudden", and left shortened line.
Dale
Yeah, "all of a sudden" is mainly just line filler (kind of like "to me" at the beginning of the above quote
so I don't have to deal with the short line in the middle. But as you said, the short line could represent the "all of a sudden" as well as a number of other possibilities, such as death."I'm pondering on whether 'feeble eye dims' would work better than 'feeble eyes dim' giving an extra dimension, since this speaks of a mental eye as well as a physical one....but, I suspect I am being particularly picky for no good reason!"
I think that introduces an unnecessary level of complexity that has not been properly set up. Asking the reader to get that this is one's mental eye without obviously implying that before hand is a bit much to ask. I think it would probably cause the reader to have to stop and wonder why I switched to a single eye and is it a typo as there is nothing here to support it being other than that. Additionally, I think it does not really do much for the poem, since I am in fact talking about my physical eyes growing dim, as most eyes do with age (of course it is also winter time, and there is less light, but as I am a visual artist, I am more sensitive to that sort of thing). Even now I need more light to see better than I use to. and my farsightedness has continued in decline as I have aged. Pretty soon I will be beyond the help of Drug store reading glasses as I am already at .325+ which is as high as they go. So as far as the eyes go, it is somewhat autobiographical . In terms of mental awareness I have to fact check a lot of what I write in terms of connotative usages. Of course it may be it is just so easy to check that sort of thing that I am only nipping in the bud what would eventually be a case of poor usage...or not
"'becoming aware - even as awareness fades -' is a very chilling phrase."
Yeah, I kind of like that myself when it made its appearance. It is somewhat paradoxical and along the
same lines as "with power comes responsibility", so that you remain just as powerless as you were, but being restricted now by responsibility instead of lack of power. I remember quite clearly thinking when I was in the third grade, that when I grew up I was going to be a teacher and let the kids drink cokes every day. Of course, who was going to pay for them never came into the equation. Really, I don't know why I complained, I liked chocolate milk just as well.
Anyway, thanks for the critique and suggestions. I have taken out "all of a sudden", and left shortened line.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.