12-24-2011, 06:26 AM
"I don't want to sound defensive but I was trying to be cliche if that makes any difference."
It doesn't make a difference that it is cliche.
I would say the question isn't if you meant to use a cliche, I would say it is if you can justify using it. Also if it is obvious (they'll love me for that one!) that, that is your intent... Maybe with quote marks, with an added CR at top and bottom. It also has the added benefit of giving more character to the dialogue. I assume you want to use the cliche to demonstrate the lack of depth in the speaker.
Glimmer, why don't you? Shine all over me!
Make me feel worthless - why don't you - I don't care.
I'll just creep back into the shade
and let it infuriate me all over again.
Panning left and right all day
is so boring anyway. So say,
"Who died and made you God?"
Even better if you had the line ending with again, rhyme with "God" to give it a little punch. Maybe an enjambment like (the rhyme isn't a suggestion, just a place holder)
and let it infuriate me all over
again, like an out of water cod.
Besides, isn't panning left and right all day
kinda boring anyway. So hey! say,
"Who died and made you God?"
Actually the cliche doesn't bother me if it is used artfully as part of the dialogue. Kind of like Rambo talking to Apollo (the god) but if your not going to use it to purpose then it just seems you should be more creative with the line. I mean you set the argument up fairly well, it just seems you could push it a little more.
Anyway, that's what I think at the moment, I might change my mind tomorrow
Dale
It doesn't make a difference that it is cliche.
I would say the question isn't if you meant to use a cliche, I would say it is if you can justify using it. Also if it is obvious (they'll love me for that one!) that, that is your intent... Maybe with quote marks, with an added CR at top and bottom. It also has the added benefit of giving more character to the dialogue. I assume you want to use the cliche to demonstrate the lack of depth in the speaker.
Glimmer, why don't you? Shine all over me!
Make me feel worthless - why don't you - I don't care.
I'll just creep back into the shade
and let it infuriate me all over again.
Panning left and right all day
is so boring anyway. So say,
"Who died and made you God?"
Even better if you had the line ending with again, rhyme with "God" to give it a little punch. Maybe an enjambment like (the rhyme isn't a suggestion, just a place holder)
and let it infuriate me all over
again, like an out of water cod.
Besides, isn't panning left and right all day
kinda boring anyway. So hey! say,
"Who died and made you God?"
Actually the cliche doesn't bother me if it is used artfully as part of the dialogue. Kind of like Rambo talking to Apollo (the god) but if your not going to use it to purpose then it just seems you should be more creative with the line. I mean you set the argument up fairly well, it just seems you could push it a little more.
Anyway, that's what I think at the moment, I might change my mind tomorrow
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.