12-24-2011, 02:37 AM
I've come late to this verse and this puts me at a disadvantage. I think it is easier to find an occasional blip in rhythm or a slightly jarring word with a raw poem - but this has been 'chiselled' free of imperfections.
I like the sound of the opening lines, they echo the rhythmic strikes of a hammer on chisel, which reinforces the words.
I would prefer the God line to be back where it was in the first instance because the pause created was too much and it broke the link to the following lines which puzzled me until I checked back to see how they were originally.
The most intriquing bit of this was the dust and fallow field....I wanted 'fallow' to be 'fertile'...returning as dust to the earth, but that would infer that originally there was life (something fertile, not fallow)....so, I must confess I haven't worked that bit of the poem out.
I like the way you have described the sculptur's inability to say 'This is finished' , and to be satisfied. He must always suffer that gnawing feeling that there might be so much more if only he had more time and freedom to follow his own desires. (a bit like me really
)
I like the sound of the opening lines, they echo the rhythmic strikes of a hammer on chisel, which reinforces the words.
I would prefer the God line to be back where it was in the first instance because the pause created was too much and it broke the link to the following lines which puzzled me until I checked back to see how they were originally.
The most intriquing bit of this was the dust and fallow field....I wanted 'fallow' to be 'fertile'...returning as dust to the earth, but that would infer that originally there was life (something fertile, not fallow)....so, I must confess I haven't worked that bit of the poem out.
I like the way you have described the sculptur's inability to say 'This is finished' , and to be satisfied. He must always suffer that gnawing feeling that there might be so much more if only he had more time and freedom to follow his own desires. (a bit like me really
)