12-20-2011, 04:48 PM
I do like this poem very much, the phrasing is elegant and the individual images are lovely....but
the reference to the thief set me off on the wrong tack ..and I then thought a thief was stealing a present, wrapping it and the following day presenting it to someone (the wrong name on the tag referring to the original owner)
............so, I reckon you need to take out the thief reference!
Also - a stereo to drown...again, I am a simple soul and it took me ages to realise you meant 'playing music so that the child couldn't hear what was going on'....I kept thinking - why would anyone want to drown a stereo? Doh! So, could you move the following line up to join that line
ie. a stereo to drown creaks of paper
the reference to the thief set me off on the wrong tack ..and I then thought a thief was stealing a present, wrapping it and the following day presenting it to someone (the wrong name on the tag referring to the original owner)
............so, I reckon you need to take out the thief reference!
Also - a stereo to drown...again, I am a simple soul and it took me ages to realise you meant 'playing music so that the child couldn't hear what was going on'....I kept thinking - why would anyone want to drown a stereo? Doh! So, could you move the following line up to join that line
ie. a stereo to drown creaks of paper