12-16-2011, 12:16 PM
Hi Granny,
I like your poem - it's punchy. It has spunk.
When I read this, I thought about leaving it at "My face shows no trace."
The next line "it remains still" seems to almost take the air of mystery out of it for me. I like leaving it at my "face shows not trace" because a still face is already implied, and it has more of an impact for me.
But that's just me! i enjoyed reading your poem.
I like your poem - it's punchy. It has spunk.
When I read this, I thought about leaving it at "My face shows no trace."
The next line "it remains still" seems to almost take the air of mystery out of it for me. I like leaving it at my "face shows not trace" because a still face is already implied, and it has more of an impact for me.
But that's just me! i enjoyed reading your poem.