12-15-2011, 10:31 AM
ey there granny.
I thought your I's and my's were ok, didn't detract anything for me--same for the punctuation
"rhubarbing" is fun in this piece.
I guess I feel something is missing here. I question the focus; how much of this information is necessary for the piece? It seems to have a stronger idea in the last 4 lines. however, the poem could also benefit from the age-old "more show, less tell" (for instance, I think "my face shows no trace" would lend itself easily to some figurative language).
just some things to think about
I thought your I's and my's were ok, didn't detract anything for me--same for the punctuation
"rhubarbing" is fun in this piece.
I guess I feel something is missing here. I question the focus; how much of this information is necessary for the piece? It seems to have a stronger idea in the last 4 lines. however, the poem could also benefit from the age-old "more show, less tell" (for instance, I think "my face shows no trace" would lend itself easily to some figurative language).
just some things to think about
Written only for you to consider.