canyon

[grannyjill]

Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water, I love this opening

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your side? sides

The idea of a bridge ideas of a bridge, no 'the'
must have died when he took
his first look
down,

saw the chasm of your spine another gem
devour everything but his footsteps, devouring reads better for me
heard the echo of sunlight 'lovely'
claw at cellar walls. cellar walls brings an image of a dark, damp place.But a canyon isn't like that. stellar walls (walls reaching up to the stars? perhaps not)

Or, maybe,
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump. took me by surprise - I liked that
If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk, yep!

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge
like an empty pocket, I can't connect this to the line above
eyes lost somewhere
in the end of the earth ? these last two lines too are little off..it sounds as if his eyes are lost somewhere....[b]or is that what you ARE saying?[/b

until then,
something he did not expect to be found [b]this doesn't work for me 'something' seems out of place.
for another thousand years

This is the first time I've done a critique like this...I have been learning from you! I loved this poem.....(with one reservation ...see at the end)
It had beautiful, unique phrases coupled with a strong story element, and contained much to make me think....."I can go no further from home" so much more evocative than 'I am far from home' - I'm thinking why is he trying to get as far away from home as possible, what has stopped him from doing so,- stuff like that.
I've taken away a very strong visual image of this poor man sitting in a magnificent place paused between life and death....the last verse allows me that....I'm assuming that he jumps but that isn't clear - intentional?
.....(reservation...the idea of the first man to see the canyon doesn't fit with the 'letter' bit...I wish I could talk with you about this poem it is difficult to convey what I want to say here, without writing an essay!)