11-27-2011, 05:56 AM
I really enjoy the image of memories as butterflies (and I love the way you've made "butterfly" into a verb, that's very effective). As for the comma issue in L5, I had the same problem as some1 -- it does make me pause, but I think it's for the wrong reason, ie I notice it being out of place. I'd suggest removing both of the commas on that line as neither one is really necessary. If you wanted to play a little with format, you could also try giving each of those words their own line to make it seem a little like a slide show.
On the whole, I like this one
On the whole, I like this one
It could be worse