11-12-2011, 06:17 AM
Of course it's ok, Shakespeare deviated from iambs all the time so what's good for the Bard... 
One line that stands out as a little awkward for me is the first line of the second stanza. My suggestion would be:
I did not choose death, yet death chose me. (It's 9 syllables, I know, but it gives emphasis to the first I and makes it a trochaic start like the preceding line, yet finishes on a hard stress to allow the iambic second line to flow more naturally).
Also, you might consider "I am content" in S2 L5, and change your contraction to "there's nothing", to shift the stresses a little more to normal speech.
If you're uncomfortable about the meter of the final line, you could perhaps try:
"If you appreciate my sacrifice"
All those tiny little metric nits aside, I very much like the tone of this poem, it's incredibly noble and dignified.
One line that stands out as a little awkward for me is the first line of the second stanza. My suggestion would be:
I did not choose death, yet death chose me. (It's 9 syllables, I know, but it gives emphasis to the first I and makes it a trochaic start like the preceding line, yet finishes on a hard stress to allow the iambic second line to flow more naturally).
Also, you might consider "I am content" in S2 L5, and change your contraction to "there's nothing", to shift the stresses a little more to normal speech.
If you're uncomfortable about the meter of the final line, you could perhaps try:
"If you appreciate my sacrifice"
All those tiny little metric nits aside, I very much like the tone of this poem, it's incredibly noble and dignified.
It could be worse