11-04-2011, 08:45 AM
Hi Billy
I'm not the best workshopper in the world, but I would like to have a go at it if you don;t mind me practising on your poem.
Firstly subject matter- the night sky is one of those huge emotional things that moves most people to expressions of awe- poets and sunsets. One can tell the first poems we try to write- we always seem to try too hard, use too many big words as if a big impressive thing requires big impressive words, when perhaps if we think of 'Twinkle Twinkle little star,' and Van Gogh's painting, we realise how often simplicity expresses the sublime the best.
star-shine falls, shimmering
soft against black, an empty back-drop.
Myriad, yet singular in awesome dynasty... I would lose 'awesome' ... we know it is awe- inspirng, because that is why you are writing the poem.
Quote:Original
Flight of star shine holds my gaze
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty
ruling night heavens with majestic charm ....might consider losng this line altogether
lending passion, giving evocation to.................how about [.lends passion, evokes the soul
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights ....................[and thoughts of man on tranquil nights] avoiding repetition of night
ever present light of distant pasts.........}
guiding future with eternal illumination.......} for me, the core of the trope.
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions......how about something like #ever present light of distant pasts
#casts illumunation on uncharted futures
#as we contemplate self and eternal questions
stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror....................lose this line
their brilliance, brought to life by our existence...............#their brilliance
in their brilliance.......................................................#brought to life by our existence
we shine with definition.............................................#shines, refecting us in their universal mirror.
The suggestions have probably destroyed the rhythm of your poem, but I am attempting to find ways of fixing the redundundancies.
Thanks for the invitation to have a go at this sort of thing. I shall not be offended in the least if you disregard it all.
I'm not the best workshopper in the world, but I would like to have a go at it if you don;t mind me practising on your poem.
Firstly subject matter- the night sky is one of those huge emotional things that moves most people to expressions of awe- poets and sunsets. One can tell the first poems we try to write- we always seem to try too hard, use too many big words as if a big impressive thing requires big impressive words, when perhaps if we think of 'Twinkle Twinkle little star,' and Van Gogh's painting, we realise how often simplicity expresses the sublime the best.
star-shine falls, shimmering
soft against black, an empty back-drop.
Myriad, yet singular in awesome dynasty... I would lose 'awesome' ... we know it is awe- inspirng, because that is why you are writing the poem.
Quote:Original
Flight of star shine holds my gaze
shimmering in a black back-drop, of velvet softness
myriad yet singular in awesome dynasty
ruling night heavens with majestic charm ....might consider losng this line altogether
lending passion, giving evocation to.................how about [.lends passion, evokes the soul
soul and thoughts of man on tranquil nights ....................[and thoughts of man on tranquil nights] avoiding repetition of night
ever present light of distant pasts.........}
guiding future with eternal illumination.......} for me, the core of the trope.
as we, ponder self and unanswered questions......how about something like #ever present light of distant pasts
#casts illumunation on uncharted futures
#as we contemplate self and eternal questions
stars; essence of what we are
beauty of what we can achieve
reflection of ourselves in the universal mirror....................lose this line
their brilliance, brought to life by our existence...............#their brilliance
in their brilliance.......................................................#brought to life by our existence
we shine with definition.............................................#shines, refecting us in their universal mirror.
The suggestions have probably destroyed the rhythm of your poem, but I am attempting to find ways of fixing the redundundancies.
Thanks for the invitation to have a go at this sort of thing. I shall not be offended in the least if you disregard it all.