10-28-2011, 03:52 PM
OK, comment on first verse edit 
Removing "holds my gaze" works well. However, remember that in removing it you have also removed that little bit of action from the scene, action which helped pull the reader in (in other words, the action was a point of interest that made the image dynamic rather than static, and I don't think a static image was your intention with this). Just as a suggestion, how about "Starshine flies, shimmering..."? This is just a thought, though. Otherwise, I like the change
Removing "holds my gaze" works well. However, remember that in removing it you have also removed that little bit of action from the scene, action which helped pull the reader in (in other words, the action was a point of interest that made the image dynamic rather than static, and I don't think a static image was your intention with this). Just as a suggestion, how about "Starshine flies, shimmering..."? This is just a thought, though. Otherwise, I like the change
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?