The Silent Grooves

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo
I don't know what word I could replace "suicide" with, but I'll have a think about it. What makes you lean towards hate? Does the poem come across as self-pitying or arrogant? I worried about that with the silent grooves line and the Biblical references.

i think it's threaten suicide part (at the first glance) any poem i give a once over to and see the word suicide makes me think of the cutters handbook

i suppose it works but for me it really has to work really or else it's one of the fake words uttered but never followed that poets use. how about just removing it?

Threaten like one
would threaten cutting off a leech.
but it's just my ha pen'eth, as always the choice is yours

Thanks for your help, Bilbo. After some thought I'm going to keep the word because I feel removing it would make suicide the elephant in the room, something implied but never discussed, which I believe would ironically put more emphasis on it than is needed.
Just my take on it

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I asked myself this question: in the privacy of your own home, would you really say you enjoyed this? The answer was simple: You are in the privacy of your own home, and if you had, you would not need to ask the question!

That is not to say it does not contain interesting, quite striking elements: the hollow goose, the keys.

I was taken also by the way in which, even now, so much of what is written, contains references to Judaeo-Christian, or Hellenic mythology -- that is fascinating. Aish recently referred to Jewish customs for New Year, and Yom Kippur, and in his critique, Todd mentioned the Eucharist. Which brings me to the big line you have about 'This is my body and this is my blood'. That alone, I suspect, made it difficult for the rest of the poem to stand; since it is such a powerful thing, it needs powerful support. As is, it seems a bit like painting a fierce swastika, surrounded by pretty flowers, or photos of your aunties.

The last line is meaningless to me. It seems like as question which is misconceived. If, when I say, I am monarch of all I survey', I instantly acquired a crown and some vassals, which should not be inhabiting the world which we do. We should be in a world where rubbing lamps was a normal way of achieving one's goals.

Sorry to be so negative, and disagreeable-- but I am by nature disagreeable.

Thanks for your feedback, Abu
What makes you not enjoy the poem? Do you find it too morose?
I see what you mean about treating spirituality lightly, as a closing metaphor, which I think is what you meant by the swastika analogy.
The last line is intended as a reflection on how the more you tell yourself something the more you believe it, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. So if I tell myself constantly that I'll end up attempting suicide, the more likely it is to happen.