10-15-2011, 10:15 AM
Thanks for all the constructive feedback, I totally forgot I had posted!
Having taken into consideration what's been mentioned and my own personal feelings, here is the post-edit version of 'The Middle'
This is the middle, they say,
a simple hill, parched
and swelled in sepia
golden and browns
under a tardy summer’s
violent scorch,
crumbling trees,
and all the grass’s green bled out.
One would think
that there was nothing
much to see.
But beyond, all shimmering,
and glistening in
miniature,
towering hives protrude,
mirroring shards of the Indian sun.
The gun-metal citadel
chrome and glass lines
have softened in the desert
haze, so thick
it’s slurping.
On the straw,
the sweltering mass are itching,
a swathe awash, in juices
squeezed, and sluiced,
and flowing
in their own decadence.
A city erupted, burst forth
to pool and moulder
in this stranger’s heat
where the West
meets the East.
*Could happily end it here*
(So come join them,
revel, and drink in the middle of time
where they say the tick of the clock
met its tock).
Be sure to bring your camera.
----I happen to quite like the last bit, so I decided to keep it, but crowbarred in as almost a follow-up or a...footnote? Or something.
Moulder is the word I was, indeed, intending to use; decomposure organic rotting, as I imagined people do, in the poem, under hot sunny days. I feel that glistening and shimmering are compatible words, as shimmering is something hard and reflective, whereas glistening is a little more 'wet' or 'sweaty', with a sheen- but maybe my definitions here are a little screwy and contrived.-----
I should really try and provide feedback for others poetry, but to be completely honest, I really can't say I know the first bloody thing about what makes a good poem. I haven't the most confidence about my own writing, let alone someone else's! I would rather not provide any criticism than potentially useless, destructive criticism - disregarding the notion that poems are inherently subjective watchamacallems
I guess I could give it a shot...
Having taken into consideration what's been mentioned and my own personal feelings, here is the post-edit version of 'The Middle'
This is the middle, they say,
a simple hill, parched
and swelled in sepia
golden and browns
under a tardy summer’s
violent scorch,
crumbling trees,
and all the grass’s green bled out.
One would think
that there was nothing
much to see.
But beyond, all shimmering,
and glistening in
miniature,
towering hives protrude,
mirroring shards of the Indian sun.
The gun-metal citadel
chrome and glass lines
have softened in the desert
haze, so thick
it’s slurping.
On the straw,
the sweltering mass are itching,
a swathe awash, in juices
squeezed, and sluiced,
and flowing
in their own decadence.
A city erupted, burst forth
to pool and moulder
in this stranger’s heat
where the West
meets the East.
*Could happily end it here*
(So come join them,
revel, and drink in the middle of time
where they say the tick of the clock
met its tock).
Be sure to bring your camera.
----I happen to quite like the last bit, so I decided to keep it, but crowbarred in as almost a follow-up or a...footnote? Or something.
Moulder is the word I was, indeed, intending to use; decomposure organic rotting, as I imagined people do, in the poem, under hot sunny days. I feel that glistening and shimmering are compatible words, as shimmering is something hard and reflective, whereas glistening is a little more 'wet' or 'sweaty', with a sheen- but maybe my definitions here are a little screwy and contrived.-----
I should really try and provide feedback for others poetry, but to be completely honest, I really can't say I know the first bloody thing about what makes a good poem. I haven't the most confidence about my own writing, let alone someone else's! I would rather not provide any criticism than potentially useless, destructive criticism - disregarding the notion that poems are inherently subjective watchamacallems
I guess I could give it a shot...