She

[billy]

I don't really like this poem, I think it's one of my worst ones. But, what the heck, every poem has some type of hope. It was post to be based on a best friend I had, which I was jealous of. I would like to fix it up and make it much better than what it is now. Thanks guys.


She

The warmth of her smile,
upsurge the envy in my heart,
her success brought tears to my eyes,
animosity hurtled through my bones,
insecurities gnawing my soul,


She had a solid esteem,
while, I felt hollow in my stomach,
She had everything I craved,
I tried to become her
but, fell flat on my face,


time wasted focusing on her,
a jaded look upon my face,
each observations caused more troubles,
Hatred I felt within the flesh,
She had the most I wanted
Self-Esteem.

i think every poet does a poem called she sooner or later. i know i did
you say;
the warmth of her smile:
how was it warm?
show us with an image, ie;

her smile could melt dark chocolate.

you said;

upsurge the envy in my heart.
show us what envy is with an image;
green bile fueled the pump to full

third image;

my eyes bled verdigris.

so you then have three images that read as;

Her smile could melt dark chocolate.
Green bile fueled the pump to full
my eyes bled verdigris.

next try a metaphor;
Icarus soaring
too close to the sun.
Daedalus himself could
not cool my flight.

so now we have a first verse;

Her smile could melt dark chocolate.
Green bile fueled the pump to full
my eyes bled verdigris.
Icarus soaring
too close to the sun.
Daedalus himself could
not cool my flight.

what i've written is way over the top i think (too arty farty)
but it's done that way to show image and metaphor.

always try and show us the poem.

always try and write wit proper syntax unless it's in an archaic style. (olde english).
so Hatred I felt within the flesh, becomes;
i felt hatred within my flesh

i always say to people you have a poem in there. and i really mean it.
just keep doing edits and keep reading and writing poetry. jmo

and big thanks for posting