10-14-2011, 08:10 PM
you have two "which" one on line 8 and one on line 17. neither of them are needed.
other than that, it's absolutely beautiful and i can't remember saying that about a modern poem.
i love the enjambment (apart from the which's)
i thought about the enjambment on the last two lines and they really do work on more than one level.
the poem starts slow then poignantly gathers a tsunami of beauty. (jmo)
it get's a wow from me, that this is your 2nd language gets a huge mexican wave
thanks for one of best reads i've had in a long times.
other than that, it's absolutely beautiful and i can't remember saying that about a modern poem.
i love the enjambment (apart from the which's)
i thought about the enjambment on the last two lines and they really do work on more than one level.
the poem starts slow then poignantly gathers a tsunami of beauty. (jmo)
it get's a wow from me, that this is your 2nd language gets a huge mexican wave
thanks for one of best reads i've had in a long times.