10-11-2011, 07:38 AM
Hey guys
Once again, your feedback has been invaluable!
Aish-I think this version tackles 90ish% of your areas. Thanks for the comments; they were pretty heavily reinforced by the others. I know it's not perfect, but I do hope you enjoyed.
Billy- I tried to trim! If there are cases where I can do more, I'm open to hearing. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
addy- you actually hit on something I was thinking about with the altered intro- the flowery bit did not mesh with the actual poem at all, and that was a mistake to try and include it. the nitty-gritty bits (e.g., removing the "to") were very useful! thanks for the good eye; you gave me the confidence to change things I was debating.
todd- I think the new elements of the first stanza take away some of the problems. Really appreciated your help with calling "minute" to my attention towards the end of the poem, and offering a suggestion for those adjectives for the captain. Thanks as always for the feedback.
As always, I'm much happier with what I have after there is red pen everywhere. Thanks for everything; always open to more suggestions of course.
Once again, your feedback has been invaluable!
Aish-I think this version tackles 90ish% of your areas. Thanks for the comments; they were pretty heavily reinforced by the others. I know it's not perfect, but I do hope you enjoyed.
Billy- I tried to trim! If there are cases where I can do more, I'm open to hearing. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
addy- you actually hit on something I was thinking about with the altered intro- the flowery bit did not mesh with the actual poem at all, and that was a mistake to try and include it. the nitty-gritty bits (e.g., removing the "to") were very useful! thanks for the good eye; you gave me the confidence to change things I was debating.
todd- I think the new elements of the first stanza take away some of the problems. Really appreciated your help with calling "minute" to my attention towards the end of the poem, and offering a suggestion for those adjectives for the captain. Thanks as always for the feedback.
As always, I'm much happier with what I have after there is red pen everywhere. Thanks for everything; always open to more suggestions of course.
Written only for you to consider.