Gardener

[addy]

Critiquing version 2

I really like the little adjustments you made to some of the line breaks; slowing down the flow complements the theme of this particular piece. I like the alteration from "sun" to "sky" as well.

I hate to say it, but... I think the two new line additions in stanza 1 let you down. They are very pretty, but in the context of the opening they are a bit pat and express little. For me they kind of dampen the more layered interpretation you are building up to in the piece (envying the gardener for gifts and qualities that a writer can metaphorically resonate with), where the narrator admires experiential details of horticulture in a way that's removed from superficial "lovely flower" observations in many garden-variety poems. Just my two cents.

Thanks for the read, i enjoyed this immensely.

Gardener

At times like these,
When flower boxes bloom above
Birds of paradise, Maybe change these two lines
I wish I were a gardener.

Today would be the day Not sure this line is necessary? Maybe you could just lead into "I would see sprouts... // And feel like a...." etc. Just a thought
I could see sprouts hatch from the porch
And I would feel like a sunburned and bearded captain
Gazing at the tiny islands strung
To the end of a long and salted periscope. I'm very fond of this description; it's unexpected, and you captured something wide-eyed and adventurous

To be a gardener:
To find a home
Not in doors and water faucets
But in the green bursting
Of the earth. Lovely. Nicely paced as well.

I am drawn to their tapestries,
Woven in mulch and hedge stones.
I even admire the crumbs of earth
Sprinkled on their gloves

So much,
One day I looked for tools
To build my own quarter of Eden,

But all I found were two hands
Stiff as steel
And a sun too cold
Above clouds too dry.

I am upset no longer
For not having the touch
That lifts petals to the sky.

I only wonder
If these things happen to other people

Who search for a garden
Without a thought
To a single seed,
Or to remove "to", I think (there are too many in these few lines) the minute it took
To place it there,

And how many holes it takes
To lay a poem for tomorrow,
Or even
How much shade. Fantastic close