10-10-2011, 11:35 AM
seems i missed this one, i'll comment on the edited version 
i think the title could be be beefed up a tad. would abovein L2, work better in L3?
i think poems like this should be wordy but (there's always a but) i think a bit of the wordy could be cut and in doing so make it a little deeper. i see a 'but' in v 6 and an i am, in v 7. there are more but i think it best if you really strip out (prune it like a gardener would)what you think should go.
i love the twist from gardener of the soil to gardener of the words. in the last verse. you say in one line;
To their tapestries,
whose tapestries? is 'their' needed?
i think this has a deep poem inside it that could bloom with cut back. i thought the 4th verse the best, and very good. jmo
thanks for the read
i think the title could be be beefed up a tad. would abovein L2, work better in L3?
i think poems like this should be wordy but (there's always a but) i think a bit of the wordy could be cut and in doing so make it a little deeper. i see a 'but' in v 6 and an i am, in v 7. there are more but i think it best if you really strip out (prune it like a gardener would)what you think should go.
i love the twist from gardener of the soil to gardener of the words. in the last verse. you say in one line;
To their tapestries,
whose tapestries? is 'their' needed?
i think this has a deep poem inside it that could bloom with cut back. i thought the 4th verse the best, and very good. jmo
thanks for the read