10-09-2011, 09:17 AM
i like the underlying plea for understanding in this jack.
not sure you need the Once on the 1st line. the whole verse is an image for the once (an earlier time (war) when lights were dimmed by hand, and order) i think you could could lose a bit of the non essentials of the piece though not sure how far to take the strip (things like "each year")
i do like it, but feel it's verging to close to the prose side of writing.
thanks for the read.
not sure you need the Once on the 1st line. the whole verse is an image for the once (an earlier time (war) when lights were dimmed by hand, and order) i think you could could lose a bit of the non essentials of the piece though not sure how far to take the strip (things like "each year")
i do like it, but feel it's verging to close to the prose side of writing.
thanks for the read.