Tyrant

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Normally, I click with your stuff very quickly. I get drawn in. I'm having trouble with this one, and while this could just be me it makes me think that there's a lot that isn't settled yet (earlier draft maybe or again maybe me). Here are some comments for you (I'll try to restict myself to Mild):

The tides are rushing forth to flow--I wonder if you need forth to flow and if you could simply cut them and pull up through a plughole
through a plughole in her breast.
Memory and conscience spill--The strophe break seems to suggest spilling. I like that

down the blue fields of her blouse.
Somewhere a man of certain race is collected from his home--I keep wanting to either break this line on race (the safe break) or collected (the more fun break).
and murdered in a jail cell.

Many years ago a girl
was thrust onto a blazing heap.
Red cotton socks falling apart.--Is there a better substitute for falling apart? (i.e., shriveling, etc)

He withdraws the knife and frowns
at a stain on his new shoes.
He tears the woman's blouse,--nice callousness

shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,--do you need this strophe?

locks the door then slides the key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.--great line. Links the petty murderer with the secret police and those that order them

The general has had his lunch -
champagne, chicken, chocolate mousse -
and is tending to some work.

The theme comes through nicely. I feel that you are one or two edits away from nailing it.

I hope some of this is helpful.

Best,

Todd