10-07-2011, 05:26 AM
"shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,
locks the door then slides the key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Well, looking at it again there are a lot of actions going on rather quickly. I think the easiest option is using a pronoun, because synonyms for a key can be tricky. an idea that came to me was:
shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Before leaving, he takes the key
To lock the door
And slides it through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.
my defense is that it slows the time down a little bit as well. I think it is possible to play with these lines and use "it" instead. again, just a thought; if it does nothing for you I understand completely.
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,
locks the door then slides the key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Well, looking at it again there are a lot of actions going on rather quickly. I think the easiest option is using a pronoun, because synonyms for a key can be tricky. an idea that came to me was:
shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Before leaving, he takes the key
To lock the door
And slides it through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.
my defense is that it slows the time down a little bit as well. I think it is possible to play with these lines and use "it" instead. again, just a thought; if it does nothing for you I understand completely.
Written only for you to consider.