10-06-2011, 02:37 PM
it read quite well but i think you could take out a bit of the clutter, leanne mentioned golden and browns. and glistening.
with the shimmering i thought of a mirage. i'd add "it's slurping"
moulder means to decay or break down, did you mean smolder? i'm not sure the last 4 lines do anything for poem. Of course yo can remove some of thesmall words but i think my allotted feedback in the novice forum is used up.
all in all some good images, with an edit the poem could improve a lot.
don't forget to leave a bit of feedback on someone elses poetry please
it's how we survive.
thanks for the read.
with the shimmering i thought of a mirage. i'd add "it's slurping"
moulder means to decay or break down, did you mean smolder? i'm not sure the last 4 lines do anything for poem. Of course yo can remove some of thesmall words but i think my allotted feedback in the novice forum is used up.
all in all some good images, with an edit the poem could improve a lot.
don't forget to leave a bit of feedback on someone elses poetry please
it's how we survive. thanks for the read.