10-06-2011, 02:26 PM
This definitely has a lot of energy in it. I like how it doesn't spell out the whole scene, but gives lots of quick snapshots that make it just revealing and just intriguing enough.
Agree with Philatone that "silent smiles shared" seems to draw attention... I think it's because the lines before read in a more frenetic pace while "silent smiles shared" seems longer, stretched out. It kind of puts the brakes on around that point, which works as a break into the following stanza with its different, more thoughtful tone. If I had to pick a nit, maybe choose a different descriptor to stream other than "bustling", since "churning" in the next line fills the intent quite well. Just a thought, though.
Agree with Philatone that "silent smiles shared" seems to draw attention... I think it's because the lines before read in a more frenetic pace while "silent smiles shared" seems longer, stretched out. It kind of puts the brakes on around that point, which works as a break into the following stanza with its different, more thoughtful tone. If I had to pick a nit, maybe choose a different descriptor to stream other than "bustling", since "churning" in the next line fills the intent quite well. Just a thought, though.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?