10-04-2011, 05:37 PM
You paint a captivating picture as always. Love the slow melt the stanza break creates.
If you go by billy's suggestion to drop the "becoming one" line (which you may decide not to), I don't know.... maybe one way to go about it is to drop "kiss" to the third stanza so it read "tender, slow.... // kiss.// Magnetic mouths..." yeah cheesy I know
but just a thought
If you go by billy's suggestion to drop the "becoming one" line (which you may decide not to), I don't know.... maybe one way to go about it is to drop "kiss" to the third stanza so it read "tender, slow.... // kiss.// Magnetic mouths..." yeah cheesy I know
but just a thought
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?