10-04-2011, 02:57 PM
hey patrick
I like the meter, as well as the rhyming. At times, I felt as thought it was too much of the driving force behind some of the lines. For instance, the last two lines of stanza one:
"and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire."
For me, they broke a little too much from the rather smoothness of the opening four lines. The phrases are elegant, and yet, strike me as overly poetic, but that may be personal preference. I got a bit worried as soon as I got to the adverb, "certainly." It just seemed more like filler to me.
In stanza two, I have little to comment on; I think you've done a great job. I might try looking for another word besides "ancient" to describe the sky, unless you really want to focus on that aspect of it. Something that stayed more in line with the rest of the scene (maybe an antonym for "dull"?) would have a stronger effect on me.
Overall, I liked the idea and execution. just some thoughts.
I like the meter, as well as the rhyming. At times, I felt as thought it was too much of the driving force behind some of the lines. For instance, the last two lines of stanza one:
"and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire."
For me, they broke a little too much from the rather smoothness of the opening four lines. The phrases are elegant, and yet, strike me as overly poetic, but that may be personal preference. I got a bit worried as soon as I got to the adverb, "certainly." It just seemed more like filler to me.
In stanza two, I have little to comment on; I think you've done a great job. I might try looking for another word besides "ancient" to describe the sky, unless you really want to focus on that aspect of it. Something that stayed more in line with the rest of the scene (maybe an antonym for "dull"?) would have a stronger effect on me.
Overall, I liked the idea and execution. just some thoughts.