10-04-2011, 04:31 AM
Jack,
Love the poem, funny as hell.
I do have a suggestion for you. Some of your strongest lines are these:
I'm a people watcher. Provided those people are men
I'm a dreamer too. I dream about being followed
You've got comedic timing in both of those lines, the second phrase in both cases seems to be like a sly aside or an afterthought.
In the third section though:
I'm a poet mostly, though. I like to watch, dream and create,
I think the second phrase doesn't have that aside quality. I don't know if I'm making sense but I hope that placing them in the thread as I've done will point out what I'm getting at. It may just be me Jack, but wanted to mention it.
A great read. It made me laugh. I suspect there are many poets that would trade literary grace for getting laid.
Best,
Todd
Love the poem, funny as hell.
I do have a suggestion for you. Some of your strongest lines are these:
I'm a people watcher. Provided those people are men
I'm a dreamer too. I dream about being followed
You've got comedic timing in both of those lines, the second phrase in both cases seems to be like a sly aside or an afterthought.
In the third section though:
I'm a poet mostly, though. I like to watch, dream and create,
I think the second phrase doesn't have that aside quality. I don't know if I'm making sense but I hope that placing them in the thread as I've done will point out what I'm getting at. It may just be me Jack, but wanted to mention it.
A great read. It made me laugh. I suspect there are many poets that would trade literary grace for getting laid.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson