10-03-2011, 03:05 AM
Like Billy, it took a little before the penny dropped -- when I thought 'There's a whole lot a breakin' goin' on' . Once I realised, I knew that you had spent a long time on it-- presumably, editing out the whisky later. The difficulty is, that at the end of of your travails, you get a handsome-looking poem. At the end of my reading ( and these things do make a person read, or skip), I just get a few infantile, and not very helpful remarks.
There is a tiny nuance over 'to' and 'and'. If you have 'and' (which I prefer), the implication is that the Zephyrs blow, and as they do, they cleanse, whereas 'to' implies that the cleansing is the purpose of their blowing.
I was mortified to see you had 'erosion' and 'blackened' 13 minutes before me!
I did wonder about 'purge' in the place of 'cleanse'. What is more, I cooked up a 'p' noun to replace 'semblance' -- and then forgot!
The straight-jacket must needs restrain creativity in some ways, yet it struck me as having all the appearance of some wistful piece of Keats, but with some nasty French writer chucked in. I am in just the same place as Billy and AA and Aish-- hoping to be more critical next time!
There is a tiny nuance over 'to' and 'and'. If you have 'and' (which I prefer), the implication is that the Zephyrs blow, and as they do, they cleanse, whereas 'to' implies that the cleansing is the purpose of their blowing.
I was mortified to see you had 'erosion' and 'blackened' 13 minutes before me!
I did wonder about 'purge' in the place of 'cleanse'. What is more, I cooked up a 'p' noun to replace 'semblance' -- and then forgot!
The straight-jacket must needs restrain creativity in some ways, yet it struck me as having all the appearance of some wistful piece of Keats, but with some nasty French writer chucked in. I am in just the same place as Billy and AA and Aish-- hoping to be more critical next time!