09-25-2011, 01:04 PM
Hi Patrick,
This sort of reminds me of Simic's The White Room, in the sort of looming presence of the trees and the hint of madness. I'm hesitant to suggest any cuts because I like the sonics so much. One I kept considering was L1 "in company" but I liked how it sounded with certainly and I didn't like the triple end rhyme the change would leave in it's wake. I absolutely love L3-4 and your final four lines. Our floodlights float a misty scrim that dulls the ancient sky is so good.
No nits from me. I really enjoyed this piece.
Best,
Todd
This sort of reminds me of Simic's The White Room, in the sort of looming presence of the trees and the hint of madness. I'm hesitant to suggest any cuts because I like the sonics so much. One I kept considering was L1 "in company" but I liked how it sounded with certainly and I didn't like the triple end rhyme the change would leave in it's wake. I absolutely love L3-4 and your final four lines. Our floodlights float a misty scrim that dulls the ancient sky is so good.
No nits from me. I really enjoyed this piece.
Best,
Todd
(09-25-2011, 12:34 PM)Patrick Traveler Wrote:The trees conspire in company
to cut the power to our house
for there is something in the woods
that hates electric wire
and trees have reason, certainly
to fear the reach of our desire.
The firs that circle round our place
seem confounded by the glare.
Our floodlights float a misty scrim
that dulls the ancient sky,
and when the power died tonight
I thought I heard a sigh.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson