09-05-2011, 10:03 AM
The second stanza is very strong -- I especially like "a bicycle wheel on the road to stasis". The jury's out for me on "comfy", but I like the idea 
I would love to see you play with format here to make that first stanza work a little better -- L3-L7 hold good images, but they get lost because we need to tack L8 onto L2 to make the grammar work. Also, italicising "idea" in L2 is probably not required. Instead, you could try italicising from "flickering" to "dregs", or you could experiment with white space -- a neat block of text is not always a good idea.
I would love to see you play with format here to make that first stanza work a little better -- L3-L7 hold good images, but they get lost because we need to tack L8 onto L2 to make the grammar work. Also, italicising "idea" in L2 is probably not required. Instead, you could try italicising from "flickering" to "dregs", or you could experiment with white space -- a neat block of text is not always a good idea.
It could be worse