09-04-2011, 09:37 AM
The change of seasons etc doesn't have to be obvious -- it's implied here just fine.
I really dislike enjambment in a 'ku though. I would like to see you get rid of "on" in the second line and have three simple, discrete statements. To me, the syllable count is the least important part of a 'ku (though if you were really determined, it wouldn't be hard to find an extra syllable for that line).
I really dislike enjambment in a 'ku though. I would like to see you get rid of "on" in the second line and have three simple, discrete statements. To me, the syllable count is the least important part of a 'ku (though if you were really determined, it wouldn't be hard to find an extra syllable for that line).
It could be worse