08-25-2011, 05:51 AM
Jack,
There's a lot of this I really like (the repetition of loud noises and death, madness as a bridge, she lies in scattered paper like a bud, the greying grass, etc).
If I were to offer any suggestion it would be to move S3 L1 to the opening line of the piece...it would give the poem some symmetry when you talk about the psychopath having crossed the bridge later. You also may not need "and how straightforward they must be" though I'm not passionate about that advice it's just an aside.
This has some very fine writing in it.
Best,
Todd
There's a lot of this I really like (the repetition of loud noises and death, madness as a bridge, she lies in scattered paper like a bud, the greying grass, etc).
If I were to offer any suggestion it would be to move S3 L1 to the opening line of the piece...it would give the poem some symmetry when you talk about the psychopath having crossed the bridge later. You also may not need "and how straightforward they must be" though I'm not passionate about that advice it's just an aside.
This has some very fine writing in it.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson