08-15-2011, 11:22 PM
Hi Billy,
I think we read people for awhile and it's easy to forget that their work isn't always what it is now. It evolves over time. Hopefully, in even our earliest work we can see the seeds of what it might become. Thanks for sharing one of your first poems. Here's a comment or two for you to think about as you consider revision (I will treat this as if you were coming here as a novice with one of your first poems):
The most interesting part about this piece to me is the title. We are told that the narrator has this special place of sanity and peace and we discover that that place is inside themselves. However the title tells us this is an UNSAFE haven. That's interesting. The narrator knows on some level that withdrawing into themselves may provide peace but is also unhealthy. I like that tension a lot.
What you may want to consider working on in the poem is where you use abstract words like torment, anguish, and fear. Let's just pick one of them as an example: Fear. Think of all different kinds of fear there are (the fear a parent has when a child is in surgery, the fear you have when wake up at night and think someone is in the house, the fear when you glance in the rearview mirror after hearing the loud screech of brakes, the fear of speaking in front of a crowd, etc). All of these are so differnt and yet all are examples of fear. Abstract words are sort of a shorthand way of expressing something. They tell us something rather than show us. The writer knows what they mean but they aren't giving enough information to the reader to direct them properly.
So, in your poem think about what drives the narrator to retreat to that secret place and try to be more specific about those reasons.
I hope some of that helps. This is definitely something you could develop. Thanks for posting your work.
Best,
Todd
I think we read people for awhile and it's easy to forget that their work isn't always what it is now. It evolves over time. Hopefully, in even our earliest work we can see the seeds of what it might become. Thanks for sharing one of your first poems. Here's a comment or two for you to think about as you consider revision (I will treat this as if you were coming here as a novice with one of your first poems):
The most interesting part about this piece to me is the title. We are told that the narrator has this special place of sanity and peace and we discover that that place is inside themselves. However the title tells us this is an UNSAFE haven. That's interesting. The narrator knows on some level that withdrawing into themselves may provide peace but is also unhealthy. I like that tension a lot.
What you may want to consider working on in the poem is where you use abstract words like torment, anguish, and fear. Let's just pick one of them as an example: Fear. Think of all different kinds of fear there are (the fear a parent has when a child is in surgery, the fear you have when wake up at night and think someone is in the house, the fear when you glance in the rearview mirror after hearing the loud screech of brakes, the fear of speaking in front of a crowd, etc). All of these are so differnt and yet all are examples of fear. Abstract words are sort of a shorthand way of expressing something. They tell us something rather than show us. The writer knows what they mean but they aren't giving enough information to the reader to direct them properly.
So, in your poem think about what drives the narrator to retreat to that secret place and try to be more specific about those reasons.
I hope some of that helps. This is definitely something you could develop. Thanks for posting your work.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson