08-13-2011, 02:29 PM
Hi Jack,
Great moments here. Let's walk through the poem some: I like the first quote. I don't know if the second quote adds anything that the first didn't give you.I don't think the poem needs the quotes to work which is what you hope for, you want just an enhancement which I think you accomplish.
So the ceaseless going back.
I kept thinking about this line. I have mixed feelings. First, I wanted to cut so then I decided that so was probably fine and thought that you could either cut the line entirely, or substitute this for the. I can see reasons for keeping the line this ceaseless going back between light and dark, but you do build the concept in the next two strophes.
The car broke down by the side of the road,
walking on the hard shoulder
in hopes a house will soon appear,
a single light from one window,
like the light of the hospital room
you saw while exiting the womb.
Okay, this is wonderful writing. I do think you may want to substitute walking with you walk the tense change may just sound better to my ear. I like that it's the hard shoulder. It says a lot about life. The house with the single light and the hope seems to point to the tension and tragedy of the human condition. Love those lines. On the last line it's a nice change up, I really like that this ceaseless moving and restlessness starts in the womb.
We enter light. We enter dark.
The front door of the house. The back.
Walking in at morning prayers
and leaving at evensong.
All day we reflect on our first hours there.
The butler showing us to seats,
then the offering of treats.
I like where you're taking this. Though I wonder if the second line would be better without the period and ending with or the back. On line 5 I wonder if you need there. I wonder who the butler is (the doctor delivering us maybe)
The mush, the milk, the bruised nipple,
the sustenance bestowed with love
then denied with tender hand
as we are left to forge our place,
continue the grand tradition of Life.
Moving through the endless halls,
destiny is grist for fools.
This is a solid strophe. I love the bruised nipple, the endless halls, and destiny being grist for fools. It holds together well.
Look at the etchings on this door,
a thousand love poems, regrets,
the random bleatings of the pained
and passionate mind still craving youth,
an innocence these leaves refute.
These leaves browning upon the porch,
proof that wane will each life's torch.
Maybe the refers of a thousand love poems. I like the repetition of these leaves. I liked them browning on the porch. I probably would the poem on the browning line Jack. The life's torch just feels too predictable for what you built here (imo).
I hope some of that will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Great moments here. Let's walk through the poem some: I like the first quote. I don't know if the second quote adds anything that the first didn't give you.I don't think the poem needs the quotes to work which is what you hope for, you want just an enhancement which I think you accomplish.
So the ceaseless going back.
I kept thinking about this line. I have mixed feelings. First, I wanted to cut so then I decided that so was probably fine and thought that you could either cut the line entirely, or substitute this for the. I can see reasons for keeping the line this ceaseless going back between light and dark, but you do build the concept in the next two strophes.
The car broke down by the side of the road,
walking on the hard shoulder
in hopes a house will soon appear,
a single light from one window,
like the light of the hospital room
you saw while exiting the womb.
Okay, this is wonderful writing. I do think you may want to substitute walking with you walk the tense change may just sound better to my ear. I like that it's the hard shoulder. It says a lot about life. The house with the single light and the hope seems to point to the tension and tragedy of the human condition. Love those lines. On the last line it's a nice change up, I really like that this ceaseless moving and restlessness starts in the womb.
We enter light. We enter dark.
The front door of the house. The back.
Walking in at morning prayers
and leaving at evensong.
All day we reflect on our first hours there.
The butler showing us to seats,
then the offering of treats.
I like where you're taking this. Though I wonder if the second line would be better without the period and ending with or the back. On line 5 I wonder if you need there. I wonder who the butler is (the doctor delivering us maybe)
The mush, the milk, the bruised nipple,
the sustenance bestowed with love
then denied with tender hand
as we are left to forge our place,
continue the grand tradition of Life.
Moving through the endless halls,
destiny is grist for fools.
This is a solid strophe. I love the bruised nipple, the endless halls, and destiny being grist for fools. It holds together well.
Look at the etchings on this door,
a thousand love poems, regrets,
the random bleatings of the pained
and passionate mind still craving youth,
an innocence these leaves refute.
These leaves browning upon the porch,
proof that wane will each life's torch.
Maybe the refers of a thousand love poems. I like the repetition of these leaves. I liked them browning on the porch. I probably would the poem on the browning line Jack. The life's torch just feels too predictable for what you built here (imo).
I hope some of that will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson