08-11-2011, 08:54 AM
Jack, thank you so much for the comments.. I appreciate your read on the poem.
Well, I created another revision based on the feedback here and some I got from another writer friend whom I share work with.
Here's what I tried to do with this revision: work with the line lengths to mix up the pacing for the narrator. Tighten S3 to see if that would help pull the piece together. I took Leanne's cigarette smoke note. So, I'm wondering if this feels stronger, it does to me, but I'm a bad judge of my own work and would welcome any additional comments.
Well, I created another revision based on the feedback here and some I got from another writer friend whom I share work with.
Here's what I tried to do with this revision: work with the line lengths to mix up the pacing for the narrator. Tighten S3 to see if that would help pull the piece together. I took Leanne's cigarette smoke note. So, I'm wondering if this feels stronger, it does to me, but I'm a bad judge of my own work and would welcome any additional comments.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson