08-10-2011, 09:01 AM
Yeah, that's really good. Jack, the stuff you've been writing recently has been excellent. I like that themes you're working with. Here are some comments for you:
Evocative title. Does what it should do, it makes me want to read the poem. I like the premise that life is movement. Instantly we think of living things moving, but the type of movement the poem seems to talking about is that of the eternal or at least pre-existent soul chaffing against a slowly-decaying body. I love the DES option of a young Henry (tender face and snowflake heart (wonderful). This heart is his touch of the ageless and it strains against the flesh. While there is a lot I like about a beff joint in Tupperware, I'm not sure about mixing a modern word in this image. It might be better if you kept it in period--unless you feel that you really want the dichotomy to make it pop more. My feeling is that the poem doesn't demand Tupperware and I would find something else to go with the
beefvjoint.
I think you can cut:
so intoxicants are sought,
And simply rework the lines like this:
So, we eat, we drink, we smoke
transient balms to the eternal wounds. Until
the darkness of the soul's adieu
envelopes us like hot water.
I love the imagae of us enveloped like hot water. You think it will be cold so hot is a real surprise. I also like that this conflict means that we look for transient balks. I take the eternal wounds to be dying itself.
There should be no sorrow in death,
the irrefutable knowledge;
scraped knees and the dawn
are one with dying, experiences
all shall have, sights impressed
upon the eye whether we want them or not.
Loved all those lines.
But whereas kneels can heal, be soothed,
Typo you Need to correct knees. Also, I think one or the other can heal or be smoothed I think the stutter there hurts the flow.
and whereas dawn comes every day,
I think you can cut this whereas.
death is a hole beneath a tree
which leads to warrens none can know
while moving near them constantly.
And these last three lines make the poem. They are fantastic. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Todd
Evocative title. Does what it should do, it makes me want to read the poem. I like the premise that life is movement. Instantly we think of living things moving, but the type of movement the poem seems to talking about is that of the eternal or at least pre-existent soul chaffing against a slowly-decaying body. I love the DES option of a young Henry (tender face and snowflake heart (wonderful). This heart is his touch of the ageless and it strains against the flesh. While there is a lot I like about a beff joint in Tupperware, I'm not sure about mixing a modern word in this image. It might be better if you kept it in period--unless you feel that you really want the dichotomy to make it pop more. My feeling is that the poem doesn't demand Tupperware and I would find something else to go with the
beefvjoint.
I think you can cut:
so intoxicants are sought,
And simply rework the lines like this:
So, we eat, we drink, we smoke
transient balms to the eternal wounds. Until
the darkness of the soul's adieu
envelopes us like hot water.
I love the imagae of us enveloped like hot water. You think it will be cold so hot is a real surprise. I also like that this conflict means that we look for transient balks. I take the eternal wounds to be dying itself.
There should be no sorrow in death,
the irrefutable knowledge;
scraped knees and the dawn
are one with dying, experiences
all shall have, sights impressed
upon the eye whether we want them or not.
Loved all those lines.
But whereas kneels can heal, be soothed,
Typo you Need to correct knees. Also, I think one or the other can heal or be smoothed I think the stutter there hurts the flow.
and whereas dawn comes every day,
I think you can cut this whereas.
death is a hole beneath a tree
which leads to warrens none can know
while moving near them constantly.
And these last three lines make the poem. They are fantastic. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson