Rabbit (REVISION)

[Todd]

EDIT 3
Fear has spoken you
fashioning eyes and ears
lacing cold quicksilver through sinew
cast out your dark affirmations
which draw you quarry to hunter
step down
this vigil
this lifetime of atonement

Hi mroning,

I've come late to this so I'll confine my comments to the latest version.

So, when I read your first line it's like your saying that fear has spoken you into existence. When I get to line 2 I'd like to see you intermingle fear into the creation of the eyes and ears. There are thousands of alternatives choose one to convey speed and terror like you do in line 3. The line as you have it feels too much like it's conveying information rather than heightening the mood.

Line 3 is excellent exactly what this poem is looking for.
Line 4 you could probably cut your
Line 5 reads alright. I keep wanting to add an as before quarry.
Last 3 lines: I wonder if you can't condense a bit maybe

step down
this vigil of atonement

I'm just unsure what lifetime gives you.

Well, just some options to think about.

Best,

Todd