08-05-2011, 10:49 AM
Thank you for the feedback, and taking the time to re-consider the poem Billy.
Do you think the story would work better if I told it again in free verse? The son's brother thing wasn't supposed to be an implication of incest - if it was I would have been more forthright about that element - it was simply meant to imply how much younger Mr. Thomas' lover was than him.
I think I will remove lines 3 - 5. I think they're as you would say "too poetic."
Surely the line wouldn't make sense if I removed "his" before "love for his own sex"? Whose love would it be?
For me "see how" is needed to show that there were other ways the old man could have dealt with the situation, but none he could readily grasp. If I removed those two words it would seem like the narrator is condoning murder
Thanks for the kind words and feedback to you as well Addy. I think I'll remove the "cultural sphere" line as well actually.
Do you think the story would work better if I told it again in free verse? The son's brother thing wasn't supposed to be an implication of incest - if it was I would have been more forthright about that element - it was simply meant to imply how much younger Mr. Thomas' lover was than him.
I think I will remove lines 3 - 5. I think they're as you would say "too poetic."
Surely the line wouldn't make sense if I removed "his" before "love for his own sex"? Whose love would it be?
For me "see how" is needed to show that there were other ways the old man could have dealt with the situation, but none he could readily grasp. If I removed those two words it would seem like the narrator is condoning murder
Thanks for the kind words and feedback to you as well Addy. I think I'll remove the "cultural sphere" line as well actually.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe