for me it's becoming a different poem. which is good in many ways, the poet evolves with their poetry.
this version has more of a bite. it's imagery isn't as strong as it could be but the poem feels a lot stronger.
now to the feedback on the poem proper;
fear has spoken lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver through sinew mapped flesh
all that is seen is already gone
all that is heard is already past
i think the enjambment could be improved, eg;
fear has spoken
lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver
through sinew mapped flesh
the last two lines feel a bit weak. can you find a stronger way to say the same thing ie;
vision already past
sound, already gone
dark affirmations bait the treason
of a feint heart, that holds you quarry, bound is 'that needed'?
rest now, stand down your watch, your lifetime of vigilance
it was only your fear that was the hawker does this line add anything, for me it takes more from the poem than it gives.
again in the 2nd, for me enjambment would improve the read. eg;
dark affirmations bait
the treason of a feint heart,
holds you quarry-bound
rest now, stand down your watch,
your lifetime of vigilance.
all just ideas to dismiss or use. the only way i could think of to show the enjambment was to show it, every single word is yours.
i think this version is a real improvement for me it's deeper and more profound. jmo.
ps, enjambment isn't a catch all save all, what really makes this a poem is your use of poetic device
this version has more of a bite. it's imagery isn't as strong as it could be but the poem feels a lot stronger.
now to the feedback on the poem proper;
fear has spoken lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver through sinew mapped flesh
all that is seen is already gone
all that is heard is already past
i think the enjambment could be improved, eg;
fear has spoken
lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver
through sinew mapped flesh
the last two lines feel a bit weak. can you find a stronger way to say the same thing ie;
vision already past
sound, already gone
dark affirmations bait the treason
of a feint heart, that holds you quarry, bound is 'that needed'?
rest now, stand down your watch, your lifetime of vigilance
it was only your fear that was the hawker does this line add anything, for me it takes more from the poem than it gives.
again in the 2nd, for me enjambment would improve the read. eg;
dark affirmations bait
the treason of a feint heart,
holds you quarry-bound
rest now, stand down your watch,
your lifetime of vigilance.
all just ideas to dismiss or use. the only way i could think of to show the enjambment was to show it, every single word is yours.
i think this version is a real improvement for me it's deeper and more profound. jmo.
ps, enjambment isn't a catch all save all, what really makes this a poem is your use of poetic device