08-04-2011, 11:18 PM
Hi Sid,
This is really nice. You've gotten some good critiques already, so I'll just add a few points. The way I read your poem and it may not be as you intend is that my eyes keep drifting back to the title and using it as a lead in for the strophe. I take it as an implied lead in. (No one in particular) tends or put or still discusses. With all that in mind, I wonder if you need the title repetition in S3, L3. You've already done a subtle job of showing her isolation (her friends are her dog and cats, she shares food with the cat without any human comment) this may work better if you keep that heightened isolation.
I'm a bit torn on the strophe arrangement. I think after a lot of reflection I like the way you have it. The dog part would be your most powerful lead in, but you need the paper reference at the end of S2 to set up the Dewey Truman ending. I did really love how you used the ending to establish her age and also threw in the great historical bit. The fact that she's still bitter shows that she's grounded in the past. Great economy there.
Much enjoyed this one.
Best,
Todd
This is really nice. You've gotten some good critiques already, so I'll just add a few points. The way I read your poem and it may not be as you intend is that my eyes keep drifting back to the title and using it as a lead in for the strophe. I take it as an implied lead in. (No one in particular) tends or put or still discusses. With all that in mind, I wonder if you need the title repetition in S3, L3. You've already done a subtle job of showing her isolation (her friends are her dog and cats, she shares food with the cat without any human comment) this may work better if you keep that heightened isolation.
I'm a bit torn on the strophe arrangement. I think after a lot of reflection I like the way you have it. The dog part would be your most powerful lead in, but you need the paper reference at the end of S2 to set up the Dewey Truman ending. I did really love how you used the ending to establish her age and also threw in the great historical bit. The fact that she's still bitter shows that she's grounded in the past. Great economy there.
Much enjoyed this one.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson