07-31-2011, 06:45 AM
Excellent opening line, morning tide, that gives a strong stone to build the rest of the poem upon. I do find L5 a little too long in comparison with the rest of the poem -- since you've no punctuation through the piece, my suggestion is either one line:
which draws you quarry to hunter
or break it into two:
which draws you
quarry to hunter
I also want to read "step down from" in L6, but that's of no real importance, it's just my personal preference.
The last line is the perfect partner to the first, which makes this a nicely contained poem with a very well developed and executed metaphor. Thanks for the read, it was greatly enjoyed.
which draws you quarry to hunter
or break it into two:
which draws you
quarry to hunter
I also want to read "step down from" in L6, but that's of no real importance, it's just my personal preference.
The last line is the perfect partner to the first, which makes this a nicely contained poem with a very well developed and executed metaphor. Thanks for the read, it was greatly enjoyed.
It could be worse