07-28-2011, 10:47 PM
Hi Jack,
I like the strong first line. I love lion gods (sort of a narnia call out). My only minor nits with the piece (and could just be preferences on my part):
are patched together from our own
boring universe, like a poor girl's dress
stitched into being with carpet samples.
Okay love the image though I think you could cut into being.
Thus fantasy
is really truth we make mosaics of.
This conclusion works for me with the girl's dress as a lead however I think you could cut Thus and really and lose virtually nothing.
Just some things to consider. It's a well put together piece.
Best,
Todd
I like the strong first line. I love lion gods (sort of a narnia call out). My only minor nits with the piece (and could just be preferences on my part):
are patched together from our own
boring universe, like a poor girl's dress
stitched into being with carpet samples.
Okay love the image though I think you could cut into being.
Thus fantasy
is really truth we make mosaics of.
This conclusion works for me with the girl's dress as a lead however I think you could cut Thus and really and lose virtually nothing.
Just some things to consider. It's a well put together piece.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson