love poem

[billy]

i have kissed goodnight my dreams
shut the door with tender gaze
on their sleeping forms at rest excellent opening that feels quite serene

the sun is setting cliché
god is dead
and i am here with you o love cliché
in this mighty nothingness feels too poetical and forced
where history has never trod
where flowers died out long ago
and where i hold you on this hill for me, this verse feels like it's trying to hard but not quite succeeding at giving a decent image

your body is the only time
your penis sunlight on a stone an unusual metaphor to say the least, sorry jack but it made me laugh which a love poem should;d do...not this way at least.
each breast a book with no writing
down which i trace my open hand

the sun is setting
god is dead
i killed him and replaced him with you this verse feels like filler.

i have kissed goodnight my dreams
so i can dream with you

very unlike your usual stuff. for me it needs to be more original and carry at least two or three solid images. the penis thing was funny. i'm sorry to say, and for me not a representation of anything connected with love.
i liked the repetition of the last to lines but for me it needs a good strong edit. jmo

thanks for the read jack