07-14-2011, 10:07 AM
Thank you for the feedback and kind words Billy. I really like the idea of removing the "the" and the comma from the second line of the third verse. That would improve the flow tenfold. I'll make the edit once I've posted this comment. Same with "to attend" and "wake". I agree with you about the last two lines of the first verse although - and I know this sounds strange - I like the stumbling effect they create. Thanks again.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe